It’s been slightly gloomy here in Macedonia. So I thought I’d let the squirrels rest a bit and head on over to my couch for some productive browsing. I fell upon some highly interesting articles about successful freelancers. Did you know that the key to their creative and financial awesomeness is to wake up at 5AM, meditate for an hour and then work out at the gym for another?! Sheesh. My parents definitely did not get the memo.
I decided to make our own Freelancer’s Routine post to show them just how far behind they are on the road to success. Here we go.
Dad wakes up, starts the coffee machine and takes me out for my morning exercise (not his).
We wake up mum with kisses and cuddles an coffee and oatmeal and the latest episode of Homeland. Back in Croatia, it was Dexter. T’was a pretty gross way to wake up if you ask me.
When the last sip of coffee is gone, mum suddenly gets really anxious about the life and starts cleaning up the house like a madman. By 7:59, everything is tip-top – from the kitchen sink to the outdoor shoe alignement.
Dad and I choose a playlist on Spotify. We usually opt for something like “Jazz & Coffee for calming down your crazy wifey”. It always has the desired effect.
By 10AM,about 20 client e-mails have been exchanged, mum is screaming at her laptop because After Effects keeps crashing and dad has a hundred tabs open with subjects like “what in your kitchen cabinet can surprisingly double as lube”and “50 ways to overthrow your evil boss and score his office”. We’re all starting to see quadruple so we head outside for 5th coffee and surprise activity (my favourites are sun-dancing, trampoline, and fetch Ball and Frisbee at the same time!)
Mum and dad wake me up from my much deserved morning nap by jumping on my bed like squirmy children. Apparently, dad just sent a fat invoice and mum finally got her character’s left eyelid to shut for half a second. They’re so adorable when they get excited about such silly things.
My favourite time of day! We chop up some leftovers and hide under the covers of the Island (usually, that’s two sofas we place together to make one epic meal fort. But in this Airbnb rental, there’s already a huge bed literally in the middle of the living room. Genius decor.)
Because I cannot endure another second of Tony Bennett’s Greatest Hits, I head outside to chase my friends the squirrels. Who by the way still haven’t figured out that whilst I am not capable of going over the fence, they very much are. Not the brightest bunch, but all the more fun to chase.
Mum and dad slip into their warm socks and fill the thermos with hot water… Must be hiking time! We don’t always have the luxury of living by the ocean, but when we don’t, we live in canyons. Within two minutes, we reach the hiking trails where mum takes off my lead an into the wild we go!
This village is not ideal for me. One day, within a short walk, we saw a dead kitten and two kids throwing a rock about twice their weight at a stray puppy. They didn’t miss. Mum went after the puppy because he was trying to run away, limping badly and whailing. Dad stomped over to the boys, yelling in Dutch at their mind-boggling brainlessness. Their peculiar choice of a reaction was to laugh. Their father and little sister joined in.
I know these places exist. I should know, I come from one. But it never ceases to amaze me how some people’s cultures or upbringing can involve being inhumane to animals. That is why I enjoy being in the nature so much. It’s just me and dad and mum and miles of trees. No nutters! Honestly, you’d think these trails would be filled with happy families but for some reason, it’s always just us!
After the fun, it’s back to the computers. And the jazz… The only good thing about my parents’ annoying taste in music is that when their song comes on (Tacos And A Pork Chop) they get up and do their dance routine. It’s really something to watch. And it usually involves them holding me in their arms and dancing like Grandma Didi for another 5 songs.
Because mum is so entirely absorbed by her animation that she hasn’t even noticed how cute I am, sitting here by her untouched and very cold cup of tea, dad starts making dinner. Tonight, it’s potato a la Jaro, grilled veggies and sausage! I might get me some of that with my Kibble entree. Only when things start smelling reeeeeeeeeally good does mum snap out of her world and come help us with the salad. Apart from the sweet smells of home-made food, my favourite thing about 7PM is that the Jazz finally gets replaced by Reggaeton. We all take off our clothes and shake our booties until dinner is ready. Tonight, we’re watching Cafe Society cuz we be feeling fancy.
If we’re lucky, dad will have lit some candles in the bedroom. I like that because it makes the room smell like Christmas. Mum likes that because she knows she’s getting a shampoo back-massage (that’s when you don’t own massage oil. Works perfectly.)
Before falling asleep, we all say what we’re grateful for, from 6:45 til 10PM, even from the night before if I did something extra cute like sleep between their bellies and not move at all. This usually makes us remember good things we’d forgotten had happened during the day, like me farting right after mum sneazed.
I hope that when they read this, mum and dad will realise just how much of their daily routine they have to change in order to become successful freelancers. I just hope they keep the nature hikes. And the Island lunch. And the dancing too, can’t lose the dancing. Gotta save the morning breaks too, that’s when I get most of my cuddles in. And no way I’m giving up Homeland either, Carrie’s just about to find out who’s trying to kill her! Actually, I would keep all of that but scratch out the working hours. Yup. Those are all Jazz and no fun.